Want to Be Happier? Try Changing the Conversations You Have

Like many of you no doubt, I’ve spent a long time thinking I was simply no good at networking. In fact, I’ve spent a long time thinking I was no good at socializing full stop. Then I realized, the main reason I was finding it so painful was because I was being asked the wrong questions, and in turn I was asking the wrong questions.

So, what do you do?

The typical question when meeting new people, friends of friends, or work acquaintances is that standard fare — so, what do you do?

It’s a minefield question in itself. Do you answer by the job you’re paid to do or the unpaid, freelance work you do on the side? Your passion projects or your high status job title? What if you’re unemployed, or a stay-at-home parent? Taking a sabbatical while you figure things out?

Essentially this is why we’re asking each other the question — we want to know where we stand in equilibrium with the person we’re conversing with. We want to know, is this someone worth talking to? Is our job title above or below theirs? Is our company bigger, more profitable, more well known, cooler than theirs? Am I more successful than them? Are they passionate about the work they do? Does this come across when we ask the question? We could even go so far as to say we’re trying to find out if they are happier than us. Do they have a better sense of purpose in their life?

As I said. The question is a minefield.

There’s actually more to the benign questions we ask and networking small talk than we realize. It turns out that the types of conversations we engage in have a greater impact on our personal and emotional wellbeing than we give them credit for.

Research by scientists from the University of Arizona, and Washington University respectively, indicates that the conversations we have deeply impacts on our overall perception of whether we are happy or unhappy.

The scientists asked seventy-nine participants to wear a recording device for four days and recorded the different conversations they engaged in over the course of their daily lives. From the recordings, the scientists then deciphered which were categorized as trivial small talk, and which were deemed as more substantial conversations.

Participants who rated themselves as the happiest engaged in twice as many substantial conversations over the duration of the recordings, and engaged in only one third as much trivial small talk as the lowest rated participants for happiness.

The findings suggest that happiness is connected to the conversations we have. Deep, meaningful conversations fuel our emotional and personal wellbeing. Isolated and superficial conversations do not allow is to grow as individuals, nor develop better relationships overall.

Change the Narrative

While trying to find a way to overcome this, specifically for networking situations, I was introduced to a blog post from The Minimalists. If you’re not familiar with them, have a look at their website and you can find the post that changed my thinking here.

Essentially they argue that when we ask people ‘what do you do’ we’re putting them, and ourselves into boxes, with only one way to think and learn about one another. And it’s boring. We should instead be asking a different question — ‘what are you passionate about.

Which makes sense. While our day jobs do feed into a lot of our lives, there is more to our individual stories than what we just happen to be doing during the 9 to 5. I started thinking about all the people I admired the most and what I knew about them — did their job titles come to mind first and foremost? Of course not. When I think about those people, I think about all the interesting things I know about them — which might have something to do with their work, but not always and not entirely.

What’s your story?

Instead of asking ‘what do you do’ try asking about the person in another way. The Minimalists suggestion of what’s your passion is a nice example, but I also enjoy asking people ‘what’s your story?’, ‘how do you enjoy spending your time?‘ or ‘what drives you?’.

It can be an easier question to prompt answers if people feel shy, and there are many different avenues you can take the conversation down — a person’s story can include narratives from their past, present or future.

It works well in a variety of scenarios when you’re engaging with new people – including professional networking! At an event where you’ll meet a few dozen people, are you going to remember the ones who told you what they do or who told you their story? I can guarantee asking this question will inspire people to remember you, and want to work with you.

As humans we’re driven by stories. Take the time to ask someone about theirs and you might just be surprised where it leads you.

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Lawyer Fired After Sending BDSM Sex Contract To Junior Employee. Naturally He Sues.

Above the Law

“I had a consensual BDSM relationship with another employee, which included one brief incident in private on work premises several months before the disciplinary proceedings,” he added.

“I believe that the disciplinary proceedings were brought against me as retaliation for my having handed in notice following a disagreement over salary and not as a result of the much earlier incident.”

Source: ncsf

Parents of Multiples Have More Mental Health Issues But Less Treatment

Parents of twins and other multiple-birth children experience increased rates of depression, anxiety and other mental health problems, particularly during the first three months, according to a new study published in the Journal of Psychiatric Practice. Unmarried parents, those with low incomes, and those with premature babies reported the most severe symptoms of depression and anxiety.

And while half of the parents in the survey say they could have benefited from mental health treatment, less than ten percent received such care.

“There is a large, unmet need for mental health treatment in parents of multiples in the perinatal period, especially the early postpartum months,” write the authors Susan J. Wenze, Ph.D., of Lafayette College and Cynthia L. Battle, Ph.D., of Warren Alpert Medical School of Brown University.

For the study, 241 parents of multiples completed survey questionnaires, in person or online. Of these, 197 were mothers and 44 were spouses/partners. Around 20 percent of the multiples were conceived through fertility treatment.

The survey shows that 48 percent of the parents said they would have been interested in some type of mental health treatment during pregnancy or the first year after their children were born. Participants reported a wide range of concerns, including symptoms of depression or anxiety, elevated stress, relationship issues, and “managing having multiples.”

Still, only around 10 percent of parents received any mental health treatment. Of those who received care, more than three-fourths were treated for depression symptoms. The treatment rate was higher (58 percent) for parents whose children were five years old or younger at the time of the survey. Overall, the time between birth and age three months was reported as the most difficult.

Although most respondents cited relatively mild symptoms, some had more severe symptoms consistent with generalized anxiety disorder (25 percent) or major depressive disorder (14 percent). These rates were higher for parents of younger multiples.

Unmarried parents, those with low incomes, and those whose babies were premature had more severe depression and anxiety symptoms. Sleep quality was poor for all participants, especially mothers, and poor sleep quality was significantly tied to more severe depression and anxiety symptoms.

Nearly two-thirds of participants said that no healthcare provider had spoken with them during pregnancy about mental health issues that might arise after their multiples were born.

Lack of time was the most commonly reported obstacle to mental health care. However, many parents were interested in both traditional and electronic (eHealth) approaches to treatment. Younger parents had especially high rates of internet/smartphone use to seek information and support regarding raising multiples.

Multiple births have increased dramatically over the years, partly due to the greater use of fertility treatments. The new study adds to previous research showing that parents of multiples experience elevated mental health symptoms.

Most parents say that they received no prenatal counseling about the mental health issues associated with multiple births.

“We recommend that healthcare providers attend carefully to parents of multiples’ mental health during pregnancy and the early postpartum periods, and proactively integrate discussion of perinatal mental health concerns into their prenatal care regimens,” write the authors.

Source: Wolters Kluwer Health

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For Hard-to-Treat Depression, Brain Stimulation Can Ease Suicidal Thinking

A specific type of non-invasive brain stimulation, known as rTMS (repetitive transcranial magnetic stimulation), can reduce suicidal thinking in a significant portion of people with hard-to-treat depression, according to a new study published in The Journal of Clinical Psychiatry.

In fact, 40 percent of the study participants who underwent bilateral rTMS reported that they were no longer experiencing suicidal thoughts. The brain stimulation works by directing magnetic pulses at targeted areas of the brain.

Suicidal thinking is a common symptom among people with a variety of mental disorders, such as post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), bipolar disorder, schizophrenia and borderline personality disorder. It is estimated that about 90 percent of people who die by suicide have a mental illness.

The new findings give hope that, upon further evidence, rTMS may offer a new way to prevent suicide in people with hard-to-treat depression, as well as other mental illnesses.

“This is one of the first large studies showing rTMS is effective in treating suicidal ideation. The effects on suicidal ideation were independent of effects on depressive symptoms.” said Dr. Jeff Daskalakis, senior author of the study.

While medications and psychotherapy work for many people with mental illness, there is still an urgent need for new treatments that quickly and specifically reverse suicidal thinking.

“One of the only effective treatments for suicidal ideation is electroconvulsive therapy or ECT,” said Daskalakis, co-director of the Temerty Centre for Therapeutic Brain Intervention at the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health (CAMH) in Toronto, Canada.

“While ECT is the most effective treatment in psychiatric care, it’s rarely used, because of high stigma and adverse cognitive side effects associated with the treatment. Less than one percent of patients with hard-to-treat, or treatment-resistant, depression get ECT.”

Treatment-resistant depression is defined as the condition when people do not experience a noticeable improvement in their symptoms after trying at least two different antidepressant medications.

Up to 40 percent of people with depression are treatment resistant. Earlier CAMH studies have shown rTMS is an effective therapy for treatment-resistant depression.

For the new study, the researchers looked at data from two previous CAMH studies on rTMS given to people with treatment-resistant depression. At the beginning of these studies, 156 people said they experienced suicidal thinking.

For the new research, rTMS was applied to the brain’s dorsolateral prefrontal cortex, a region in the frontal lobes, five times a week for either three or six weeks. Participants were randomized to receive rTMS in one of three ways: to both the right and left frontal lobes (bilateral rTMS), the left frontal lobe only (unilateral rTMS) or, as a comparison group, sham rTMS, which is similar to a placebo.

Bilateral rTMS was the most effective of the three types. A total of 40 percent of people who received bilateral rTMS reported that they no longer experienced suicidal thoughts by the end of the study period.

By comparison, 27 percent of those who underwent unilateral rTMS, and 19 percent of those who received sham rTMS no longer experienced suicidal thoughts. In addition, bilateral rTMS was the most effective at preventing the development of suicidal thoughts in people who were not experiencing suicidal thinking at the start of the study.

So although left unilateral rTMS is the most common type, the findings suggest that targeting the right frontal lobe may be key to treating suicidal thinking, said first author and psychiatry resident Dr. Cory Weissman in the Temerty Centre for Therapeutic Brain Intervention.

Previous studies in people with depression and suicidal ideation has shown that this brain region may be linked with impulsivity and difficulties with regulating emotions. In the future, the researchers plan to zero in on the right frontal lobe.

Surprisingly, the reduction in suicidal thinking was not strongly connected to a decrease in the severity of depression symptoms.

“This suggests that suicidality is not necessarily just a symptom of depression — it may be a related, but separate entity,” Weissman said.

Since suicidal thinking is known to occur across multiple mental disorders, identifying an effective treatment may prevent suicide for a broad spectrum of people with mental illnesses.

Source: Centre for Addiction and Mental Health

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Parents’ Depression Can Linger for Six Months After Newborn Discharged from NICU

A new study has found that young parents who have less education and care for more than one child are more likely to have persistent symptoms of depression that linger six months after their newborn is discharged from a neonatal intensive care unit (NICU).

“Using a validated screening tool, we found that 40 percent of parents in our analyses were positive for depression at the time their newborn was discharged from the NICU,” said Karen Fratantoni, M.D., M.P.H., a pediatrician with the Children’s National Health System in Washington, D.C., and the lead author.

“It’s reassuring that, for many parents, these depressive symptoms ease over time. However, for a select group of parents, depression symptoms persisted six months after discharge. Our findings help to ensure that we target mental health screening and services to these more vulnerable parents.”

The new study is an offshoot from “Giving Parents Support (GPS) after NICU discharge,” a large, randomized clinical trial exploring whether providing peer-to-peer parental support after NICU discharge improves babies’ overall health as well as their parents’ mental health.

Mothers of preterm and full-term infants who are hospitalized in NICUs are at risk for peripartum mood disorders, including postpartum depression, the researchers noted. The research team sought to determine how many parents of NICU graduates experience depression and which characteristics are shared by parents with elevated depression scores.

They included 125 parents who had enrolled in the GPS clinical trial in their exploratory analyses and assessed depressive symptoms using a 10-item, validated screening tool, the Center for Epidemiological Studies Depression Scale (CES-D).

A majority of the parents — 84 percent — were women. Nearly 61 percent of their infants were male and were born at a median gestational age of 37.7 weeks and mean birth weight of 2,565 grams.

The median length of time these newborns remained in the NICU was 18 days. When the babies were discharged, 50 parents — 40 percent — had elevated CES-D scores, according to the study’s findings. By six months after discharge, that number dropped to 17 parents (14 percent).Their mean age ranged from 26.5 to 30.6 years old.

“Parents of NICU graduates who are young, have less education and are caring for other children are at higher risk for persistent symptoms of depression,” said Fratantoni.

“We know that peripartum mood disorders can persist for one year or more after childbirth so these findings will help us to better match mental health care services to parents who are most in need.”

Source: Children’s National Health System
Photo: This is Karen Fratantoni, M.D., M.P.H., a Children’s pediatrician and the lead study author. Credit: Children’s National Health System.

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How to Inspire Your Writing (and Your Life) Every Day

The Psychology of JournalingThere are various clever quotes about why inspiration is unnecessary for writing. After all, writing is work. After all, plumbers don’t need to be inspired to do their jobs; they just do their jobs. The same goes for electricians, attorneys, and doctors. And if we wait to write until we’re hit by some magical wand of inspiration, we might never start in the first place.

This is true. Being able to work whether you feel inspired or not is important. It’s a great skill. And yet inspiration is critical, too.

In a piece entitled “Why Inspiration Matters,” Scott Barry Kaufman writes, “Inspiration awakens us to new possibilities by allowing us to transcend our ordinary experiences and limitations. Inspiration propels a person from apathy to possibility, and transforms the way we perceive our own capabilities.” Inspiration sparks creativity, and helps us make progress on our goals, according to Kaufman.

Inspiration also is vital because “an insipid view on life is deadly,” said Susie Herrick, MFT, a licensed psychotherapist and author. “Breathing in beauty is our birthright. It’s what feeds our capacity to see metaphor and synchronicity.”

Inspiration keeps writer and author Nicole Gulotta’s creative life filled with enthusiasm. “It’s exciting to never know where inspiration might come from, which reminds me to keep my senses sharp and pay attention as much as possible.”

Reading provides Gulotta with lots of inspiration. Recently, she’s enjoyed reading Writing as a Path to Awakening by Albert Flynn DeSilver and Good Prose by Tracey Kidder and Richard Todd.

Also, “walking or other gentle exercise really helps get my body and mind relaxed so creativity can easily move around,” said Gulotta, author of Eat This Poem: A Literary Feast of Recipes Inspired by Poetry, and a blog by the same name.

Movement is key for Sydney Campos, too. Dance and yoga—which are daily rituals—keep her creative energy flowing. She also finds tremendous inspiration in spending time in nature, along with meditation, and energy healing and acupuncture sessions.

For psychologist and writer Ryan Howes, Ph.D, curiosity creates the spark. “There is so much to learn—about people, psychology, and writing itself—that I’ll never run out of material.” He is driven by all sorts of questions—his own and questions from readers and journalists: “Why do we need emotion?” “What really makes therapy work?” “Why don’t therapists talk about themselves?” “How does talking help me feel better?”

“Each question is like a little challenging puzzle that begs to be solved, and writing is simply the method I use to solve it,” said Howes. “I honestly don’t spend much time evaluating whether or not my writing is ‘good’ or ‘bad,’ my goal is simply to provide a coherent answer.”

Tanaaz Chubb, author of numerous books, including The Power of Positive Energy, is inspired by connecting with others and hearing their stories. “Even just the smallest exchanges can inspire me to write about something.”

While writing her book Your Story is Your Power—co-written with Elle Luna—Herrick turned to sappy music. “Like chocolate, the bittersweet twang on the heart brings words to that dreamy poet in my head. Writing is like getting a cat to come to you. A ball of string comes in handy. To get myself to write I had to really pull on my heartstrings.”

For you music, movement and meditation might not work. Because different things inspire different people. Below, you’ll find an assortment of tips to try and experiment with. Ultimately, focus on what stirs your own heart, mind and spirit.

Pretend readers are waiting for your work. “Think about the person who was like you once who found a book that fed their soul and wrote stuff in the margins,” said Herrick. “Imagine them writing you a letter sharing how your [writing] inspired them.”

Follow your bliss. Make time to do things you love every day, said Chubb, creator of Foreverconscious.com, which focuses on all things cosmic and spiritual. Maybe that’s sewing, sketching or tending to your tiny garden. Maybe it’s riding your bike or reading memoirs or listening to history podcasts.

Play as much as you can. “We are all adults running around with these inner children—these storehouses of knowledge, wisdom, inspiration and joy—waiting to be acknowledged so they can be expressed,” said Campos, author of The Empath Experience: What To Do When You Feel Everything. Find activities that feel like play to you.

Follow the crumbs of your curiosity. Pay attention to your questions and observations, which have the potential to become prompts for your writing, said Howes, co-founder of the Mental Health Boot Camp, a 25-day online wellness program that helps people self-reflect, learn to meditate, understand relationships, and develop new habits to navigate life’s challenges. For instance, you observe a co-worker’s peculiar habit or discover a surprising story deep in your family tree, which inspires you to write a short story or magazine article.

Become a channel. Campos suggested “dancing, breathwork and shaking to move energy through your body and prepare yourself to be a true channel for receiving the powerful wisdom you are uniquely designed to express with your incredible voice.”

Switch things up. “Painting in between writing sessions is a great way to give the right brain a rest and allow it to recharge,” Campos said. What can you do to engage different senses when you’re not writing?

Identify your cause or theme. Is there a common theme to your interests and hobbies? Are you passionate about social causes? Do your questions focus on the same subject? As Howes said, “You may have been living according to an inspired purpose without even knowing it. Once you identify it, it’s easier to find inspiration in your projects.”

For instance, years ago, Howes discovered that many of his personal and professional interests revolved around a similar theme: “making mental health accessible to the masses.” “Now my eyes are open for any opportunities to advance this cause, and the opportunities are endless.”

Herrick has a writing-specific learning disability. She’s shy. It took her 13 years to write her first book, which was published when she was 55. Her second book was just published, which she wrote with a broken arm. She underscored the importance of doing it anyway.

In other words, she encouraged readers to pursue their writing regardless of the challenges, obstacles, second guesses and self-doubts—an incredibly inspiring message, whether we’re talking about creating or not.

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Easier With Three


The big obstacles in most relationships are in the little details—finances, housework, child and/or pet care, and how to spend free time. Before I lived with my wife’s girlfriend, I might have said that having an extra person would only make the conflicts and disagreements of daily life that much harder to work out. Instead, for our family, we’ve found the opposite is true. Whether we need an extra set of hands, an extra listening ear, another chum to hang out with, or an extra couple of bucks, our family has found that three can be easier, not harder, than two.

Source: ncsf

The scene is alive and well

Bay Area Reporter

“The IMsL/IMsBB weekend should be an inclusive and sex positive space for all people. All are welcome, and racism, transphobia, and other forms of discrimination have no place here. An important part of the weekend is exploring how the intersectionality of race, class, gender, and ability affect experiences of leather, kink, and sexualities. We must make a commitment to enriching these intersectionalities not only at the weekend but throughout our communities. We will work toward this goal.”

Source: ncsf

Checking Your Invisible Baggage

Are you aware of the invisible baggage you drag around? You know — the baggage that makes everything feel heavy; that makes it tough to just be; that makes it hard for you to enjoy the moment.

Would you like to check that baggage at the door, so that you can not only enjoy your day but also have a celebratory, appreciative, grateful outlook?

If so, read on. One moment please. There is a requirement you must meet if you want to be successful in this endeavor. Put away your credit card. This does not cost a penny. The only requirement is that you are open to modifying your mind-set. To clarify, a mind-set is what your mind firmly believes is the way to think about, speak about and respond to a situation. And you cling to that belief as though it is the one and only truth.

So, to give you a simple example:

You may believe that the only appropriate response to saying “Thank You” is to receive a “You’re Welcome.” If you receive, as you often will, a “No Problem,” you may wince and wonder where the manners of the younger generation have gone to, instead of chuckling about this small change in our culture.

To give you a more complex example:

You may believe that it’s fine for kids to enjoy playing but once you become an adult, you need to put all that aside. So, when your spouse wants to meet his pals to play golf or race cars, you may furrow your brows, wondering when he will ever grow up. But what you may never have thought about — for him or for yourself — is that play (not work) is at the heart of almost all creative and joyful activities.

Checking your invisible baggage means you don’t take it with you on a day’s journey. For when you do, you find it is heavy and cumbersome, making it harder for you to have an easy-going, enjoyable day.

A few examples:

It’s a special occasion. You are driving yourself crazy trying to find the perfect gift for this lovely person. If only you could check your compulsive quest for giving the best possible gift, you just might receive a wonderful gift in return. More momentous moments filled with love, laughter and lightness.

Or, perhaps you’re holding on to old resentments. A family member has behaved poorly, not measuring up to your expectations. See if you can shut out all the noise. Put it in a bubble wrap package. Drive it to a locker far away from home.Then, return home free from resentments and make a decision about what to do. Do you want to invite her to your home or not? Do you want to greet her warmly or coolly? Do you wish to show interest in what she’s doing now or just make small talk? There are no right answers. Just make decisions that will enhance your confidence and spark your satisfaction.

If you have checked your resentments, you will have gained the freedom to decide with a clear and open mind about what you want to do. With no invisible baggage dragging you down, you may become aware that you are now viewing her differently. Not because she changed but because you changed. Hurrah for that!

Now imagine that checking your invisible baggage becomes a habit. What will happen? Will you not care about anything? Nope, that’s not the way to go.

Let’s remember what happens when you check your physical baggage at the airport. Suddenly you feel lighter. You savor the ease of movement. You appreciate getting rid of a heavy burden. When you arrive at your destination, however, you will need to pick up your luggage. Yes, things may get heavy for a while again. But that doesn’t take away from the moments of freedom you had earlier.


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Psychology Around the Net: May 5, 2018

Happy Saturday, Psych Central readers!

May is Mental Health Month here in the United States. Does anyone have any plans for boosting awareness? If not, Mental Health America has a toolkit you can download for conducting awareness activities.

Moving on, this week’s Psychology Around the Net takes a look at the relationship between smartphone addiction and commitment-phobia, the stigma surrounding men and mental illness, why children who grow up in cities might be more susceptible to mental illness, and more.

Smartphone Addiction is Indirectly Linked to Commitment-Phobia According to New Psychology Research: New research suggests people who are “avoidant” in relationships might have a higher risk of becoming addicted to smartphones. Eunyoung Koh, the study’s corresponding author, says: “As the use of smartphones has surged, concerns about smartphone overuse and addiction have been increasing. We wondered whether insecure attachment would affect smartphone addiction. Especially, we paid attention to avoidant attachment, which had a relatively low interest compared to anxious attachment.”

Motivations of Stimulant Misuse in Adults in the United States: What are the most common motivations for misusing stimulants? Feeling alert? Weight loss? Help studying?

Going Mental: How MLB Players Have Embraced Psychology to Manage High Stress: The next time you see your favorite baseball player wall out of the dugout and take a minute to look at his bat or adjust his glove, know that he might be making sure more than just his equipment is ready for the game.

The Problem with Asperger’s: According to Edith Sheffer, historian and author of Asperger’s Children: The Origins of Autism in Nazi Vienna, the problem isn’t with the condition itself (although the classifications are problematic and “autism spectrum disorder remains a vexing, heterogeneous diagnosis”); it’s with the man after whom it was named (Hans Asperger) and–even more importantly–his Nazi-influenced research.

Not Talking About Mental Health Is Literally Killing Men: Men’s Health editor Sean Evans is fed up with the stigma that surrounds men who talk about mental health struggles. “This macho attitude of stuffing your feelings down, or ignoring them, is antiquated and downright dangerous.”

City Upbringing, Without Pets, Boosts Vulnerability to Mental Illness: According to new research published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences (PNAS) children who grow up in rural environments, exposed to animals and dust, build more stress-resilient immune systems and could have a lower risk of developing mental illnesses than their pet-free city-dwelling counterparts.

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